Relationship is over, but I'm still wondering when it began.... Honestly. I have no idea when we decided we were in a relationship at all... I didn't even give him the full title of boyfriend until.... well until he broke up with me, but like.... whenever someone asked whether I was going out with anyone, I wasn't sure how to answer. I was always just "taken" not in a relationship, taken.
What do you think of the breakup being "It's not you, it's me" and over text??? Really, jerkface? No, how could you get worse than that? It's a cliche line over the worst medium. You know, guys are really supposed to break up with a girl to her face, and come up with a much cleverer way than that stupid, easy breakup line. No, it's just... I thought he really was decent. You can't break up with someone over text! :( grrr, I'm kind of frustrated.
Do wishes come true? What wish has ever come true? What if it wasn't the wish that made it happen? What if it was your actions?
Monday, April 5, 2010
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Life
I hate having to be the one to hold both halves of my wold together. Nobody should ever have to go through that. In fact, the two sides of my life shouldn't even have any relation to each other.
I hate my mom so much. Yeah. Sure. She only wants what's best for me. Honestly, then why doesn't she hit me? Huh? Many other parents do. And, seriously, she seems like the kind of person that would. I hate her so much. And I hate my dad too. He's so mean. And the worst thing about them is how they act in accordance with each other. She'll be mean, and he'l be tolerable. Then he'll be pure evil (not like he wasn't already) and she'll be all "i'm on your side." pfft, the only person that seems to care about ALL of me, is me. Then they constantly fight, I mean, what the fuck? They're supposed to be all lovey dovey grossness, or divorce each other. They're both retarded. As soon as I can be free of both of them, I'm going to disappear from everyone I knew.
Of course, that's only half of everything that is my world. There's also the school shit happening. Well everyone hates me, so why would I bother? Hmm? I don't want to be friends with people that will hate me for being me and suddenly love me for changing one thing about me. Really, if they want one part of me to change, who's to say what else they'll want me to change? If I listen to their every whim, who would I be? Would I just be a sculpture of everyone's thoughts? I would hate that. I hate most people anyway, and why should I listen to people I hate? Nobody even knows how right they are when they say my parents are retards. But of course, I have to pretend to be the perfect little girl with perfect little parents. Nobody knows how retarded my life is.
My parents don't even know how stupid my school life is. They think I only have like three friends. And perhaps thats true. But I don't have a life anyway. I've managed to keep my life closed to everyone while still pretending to be open. That's what my life amounts to right now. I'm an actress. I act like everything's fine when I go to school. I act like everything's fine when I go home.I act like the only trouble I have is homework, at home. I act like the only problems in my life a stupid boys and spiteful girls (I'm way more spiteful but I don't act like I am). I act and act and act, and I wonder when all the walls will come crashing down.
I'm screwed when somebody finds out everything about my life. Nobody knows everything, and I think it's sad when they believe they do know everything.
I hate my mom so much. Yeah. Sure. She only wants what's best for me. Honestly, then why doesn't she hit me? Huh? Many other parents do. And, seriously, she seems like the kind of person that would. I hate her so much. And I hate my dad too. He's so mean. And the worst thing about them is how they act in accordance with each other. She'll be mean, and he'l be tolerable. Then he'll be pure evil (not like he wasn't already) and she'll be all "i'm on your side." pfft, the only person that seems to care about ALL of me, is me. Then they constantly fight, I mean, what the fuck? They're supposed to be all lovey dovey grossness, or divorce each other. They're both retarded. As soon as I can be free of both of them, I'm going to disappear from everyone I knew.
Of course, that's only half of everything that is my world. There's also the school shit happening. Well everyone hates me, so why would I bother? Hmm? I don't want to be friends with people that will hate me for being me and suddenly love me for changing one thing about me. Really, if they want one part of me to change, who's to say what else they'll want me to change? If I listen to their every whim, who would I be? Would I just be a sculpture of everyone's thoughts? I would hate that. I hate most people anyway, and why should I listen to people I hate? Nobody even knows how right they are when they say my parents are retards. But of course, I have to pretend to be the perfect little girl with perfect little parents. Nobody knows how retarded my life is.
My parents don't even know how stupid my school life is. They think I only have like three friends. And perhaps thats true. But I don't have a life anyway. I've managed to keep my life closed to everyone while still pretending to be open. That's what my life amounts to right now. I'm an actress. I act like everything's fine when I go to school. I act like everything's fine when I go home.I act like the only trouble I have is homework, at home. I act like the only problems in my life a stupid boys and spiteful girls (I'm way more spiteful but I don't act like I am). I act and act and act, and I wonder when all the walls will come crashing down.
I'm screwed when somebody finds out everything about my life. Nobody knows everything, and I think it's sad when they believe they do know everything.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Breakup?
No fun. I'm still not sure how I feel about it. I mean I really still love him, but honestly. From my point of view, perhaps I should have seen it coming, but that wouldn't have made it any less painful. I mean, when I saw the text (yes, he was jerkfaced enough that he actually broke up with me over text) I was completely numb for all of a minute.
Just. DAMMIT. Really. I have such mixed feelings with this whole thing. I love him, but I hate him. And I feel like I want to punch him and I'm still thinking about best to go for our first kiss. No I hate him. I'm really angry. Angry, frustrated, overwhelmed, sad, everything. I really don't know how I feel. I think... I feel a bit relieved? I'm not sure.
One of my first impulse responses was to think of a story to write about to get the anger out. I thought about it, and it fermented into something really... I'm not sure. Something interesting. Basic premise is: a very selfish, self-centered girl travels to somewhere and finds that she's been transported to another universe where everything is completely foreign. She's allowed to travel back and forth but at limited times, and only when the Council allows it. She goes back sometimes to visit her boyfriend who has hidden the fact that he has terminal cancer from her for as long as he could, until he dies one day. Grief overwhelms the girl and she wants to steal the magic from the other universe to bring him back, but the Council won't let it, and that's when they reveal their secret. She was to fulfill an ancient prophecy. So many adventures she can come across, and she forgets about him. Until another guy comes along.
It's not a complete development of the story, but it's getting close.
I love writing so much. If you can't tell, it helps me. This started out a little angry, right? Now it's just distant and indifferent. :) Happy a little, even? Writing is good therapy. Go write, now.
Just. DAMMIT. Really. I have such mixed feelings with this whole thing. I love him, but I hate him. And I feel like I want to punch him and I'm still thinking about best to go for our first kiss. No I hate him. I'm really angry. Angry, frustrated, overwhelmed, sad, everything. I really don't know how I feel. I think... I feel a bit relieved? I'm not sure.
One of my first impulse responses was to think of a story to write about to get the anger out. I thought about it, and it fermented into something really... I'm not sure. Something interesting. Basic premise is: a very selfish, self-centered girl travels to somewhere and finds that she's been transported to another universe where everything is completely foreign. She's allowed to travel back and forth but at limited times, and only when the Council allows it. She goes back sometimes to visit her boyfriend who has hidden the fact that he has terminal cancer from her for as long as he could, until he dies one day. Grief overwhelms the girl and she wants to steal the magic from the other universe to bring him back, but the Council won't let it, and that's when they reveal their secret. She was to fulfill an ancient prophecy. So many adventures she can come across, and she forgets about him. Until another guy comes along.
It's not a complete development of the story, but it's getting close.
I love writing so much. If you can't tell, it helps me. This started out a little angry, right? Now it's just distant and indifferent. :) Happy a little, even? Writing is good therapy. Go write, now.
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